I am extremely excited about going home. Even with all the complications with travel, the thought of what’s to come keeps me settled, calm and even more excited. I’m aware in my mind and heart that I’m about to go through a reverse-introductory phase into my own culture and my own people....Being in the U.S., I always feel like something is missing, a part of me is....missing....a part of my soul....And however much I try to fill that void with something/anything...there’s really nothing that possibly can...I’m always left longing...But the images in my mind of what I long for are today, inaccurate...misrepresentations of what actually is....It’s almost as though when I left on March 9th 2002, a youthful teenager, images of Nairobi and Gilgil and Nakuru all froze in my mind....my memory of the drive from Gilgil to Naivasha and gilgil to Nairobi (Now they call it Nai...) And lets not forget how behind the times I am with the sheng lingo...wow! And ofcourse there’s the memory of westway school and GTI senior...the memory of going to soko...and making chai at the chemist, na kushukwa nywele kwa wanjiku...wow..many memories of how it simply felt...it was natural...it was not calculated..just natural...and simply living life.....day to day.....
But in the U.S it’s a whole different story...I realized that relearning a culture and accepting it as your own is probably one of the most difficult and virtually impossible things to do...and trying to find joy in the same things that gave me that natural joy back in Kenya is simply trying to live..and trying to exist..but not really living...and it’s thoroughly frustrating...and sometimes depressing.... In the beginning, I was depressed because the security and shelter that beautifully harnessed my existence without my knowledge or appreciation was suddenly pulled from under me and NOW I had to start all over..... And then naturally, as is characteristic of culture shock, I went through a downward spiral and three years later...drenched in tears, self hate and depression...I realized that Kenya was no longer in the picture...I had to start living again...
Then somehow, I found things in which to lose myself, I found school and work and service and music...and slowly that became my life.....It’s like riding a bike....in the beginning you struggle but then the more you try and practice, the better you get and the more NATURAL it feels to you...and sooner or later..you forget that you ever had a scraped knee....the more I made an effort to learn the pattern of life in the U.S and go through the motions...and practice the motions, the more natural it felt, day by day...I cried less..laughed more...and soon enough breathing in began to feel good again...and as I began to appreciate that at the end of the day, God had blessed me with this thing called life and in a round about kind of way, this new life was a blessing, an opportunity...
Now that I’ve caught you up on the last eight years, I want to invite you into my mind....to experience the next few weeks with me as I return to home physically, spiritually, mentally...join me as I journey home to my self....
